Must be dreaming - an insight into my subconscious

I have been having some peculiar dreams of late which I know is common in pregnancy. Although I may regret letting you in on my mind, I'm fascinated in the psychology behind dreams so I wanted to document them somewhere.

As you'd expect, some are clearly related to anxieties that come with being pregnant & having a baby. Such as when both me and a friend both went into labour and had our babies at the same time. I had a boy. I was happily playing with my baby boy when it suddenly dawned on me that I was meant to have a girl. I wondered if the babies had been accidentally swapped so I asked my friend whether she was expecting a girl or boy and she confirmed a girl, which is what she had. So I spoke to the midwife and said I had a boy but was expecting a girl, was that right? She just yes as if it was totally normal so I just thought oh we'll and went back to playing with my baby boy. This is clearly related to my anxieties of having a boy when I am expecting and hoping for a girl. What I liked about the dream is how I just accepted things after double checking it was correct & I think this is an indication of how I'd be if this baby turns out to be a boy rather than girl.

Another baby related dream was me going into labour now (well last week but basically present time). Obviously, this was very early so I was in hospital and they were going to try this new thing of returning my baby back into my womb where we would hope it stayed until due date. Giving birth was painful but putting her back inside was even worse.

Another anxiety dream about this baby being early.

But then there have been dreams not involving me having a baby or being pregnant.

Last week I dreamt I had been asked to play the violin for a concert for the queen. In the dream I had just started learning to play again having not picked up the violin (same one) since I had lessons for a term when I was about 9. I think I had only had 1 lesson if that but I was showing the violin to friends playing in the concert too. Then the time came where we all had to stand on stage in a line and take it in turns to perform while the queen moved along the line, off stage. When it came to me I realised I could only play twinkle twinkle little star and that the violin hadn't been tuned since I was a child and the bow needed restringing with old broken strings all over the place. All this sunk in and I realised it would be the most embarrassing thing to attempt to play anything so I just stood there frozen. There was an embarrassing wait while everyone stood there waiting for me to play then after a long silence they moved along to the next in line. I can't remember much after except everyone was very supportive and understanding and I didn't feel too bad about the incident. I remember feeling that I hadn't prepared for such a big event when I know preparation is the most important thing in any big event. However, despite not being prepared, I had people there to support me.

Not a baby/pregnancy dream but I do think this relates to me not feeling prepared for the baby arriving but knowing I'll have people around me to help & support me.


The night before last I dreamt my mum & dad had a party in their house (not a house I recognise but had elements similar to my friends new house). About a week later they found a decomposing body under their sofa of someone who must have died at the party. The body looked slightly mummified. In addition, my mum had had a baby boy (I seem to remember he was called Arnold or Archie or something) but sadly the boy had died. He was meant to be newborn but was actually size of about an 18 month old. My dad had asked me to help him dispose of the bodies without reporting them to the police. I can't remember their justification now. I was scared of helping them but they were my parents and I didn't want them getting into trouble so agreed. They lived in quite a remote place with just one neighbour and there was a wood at the end of their garden. We were basically just going to throw the body in the undergrowth behind their garden and hope that a walker didn't spot it. The baby wasn't really a dominant thing in the dream, the focus was on the random dead guy.

Last night's dream wasn't scary or gruesome like the above.

First I had been asked to decorate someone's house but I'd paint the first coat of the room then they'd change their mind and want it done a different colour. Then I was decorating a house with Stuart. We lived there - many of the features were similar to a house where my best friend at school grew up although the kitchen was different and smaller. I would paint the lounge or kitchen a colour I liked then Stuart would say he didn't like it so I had to do it again. The first colour was a dark red, sort of a red wine colour. Then it was a dark green but he then made me paint over it with beige.

I thought this last dream was a fairly easy one to analyse. I know that the people in our dream are often representations of ourselves and aspects of our character. Houses and the rooms in the house again a representation of our self, our emotions, personality, body etc. However, looking into this, it just left me confused. I wasn't sure if the people did represent myself or other people. The painting represented trying to change aspects of myself or emotions. The kitchen is emotions or aspects of the heart. The colours of the paint represented:

• Red = passion, love, anger
• Green = jealousy, envy, nature
• Beige = as you can imagine, neutral, bland, dull, plain

To me it's like I'm starting with so much energy & enthusiasm but then with each coat of paint I'm being 'dummed' down. What's not clear to me is whether I'm doing this to myself or others are doing this to me. Also whether it is a good or bad thing. Instinct tells me negative. Also, what is interesting, during trying to analyse it I found myself becoming upset and crying and unable to look too deeply into it. Is this just pregnancy hormones or part of the reason for the dream not the cause. I would particularly love to hear anyone else's views on this. I think it would help to talk to someone else who was as equally as interested in dreams as me but perhaps knows a bit more than I do. So, anyone got a psychic link to Freud or Jung please?

Our story : Wedded Bliss

(I apologise if this reads badly or there are lots of typos, I've had to use an iPad while laptop is out of action - photos are also to follow)

As I left you at the end of my last post with the news of Stuart's proposala on our year anniversary, it seems fitting that I start this post wiath the proposal.

From my time as a legal secretary for a top city law firm, booking expensive restaurants for client dinners, there were a number of London restaurants I was keen to experience myself. One in particular being The Blue Elephant, a Thai restaurant in Fulham so Stuart and I booked it for our year anniversary.

Shortly after sitting down at our table, I saw a lawyer from my department arrive with his girlfriend and shown to a table in a different part of the restaurant and mentioned it to Stuart. I did notice he didn't look too enthusiastic about the information but mistook his look more to indifference. Then I saw them complain about sitting in a draft and asked to be moved so the waiter obligingly moved them to the table next to us. Stuart definitely looked less than pleased but politely said hello when Patrick and I acknowledged each other.

We had a pleasant meal and was delighted when Stuart ordered us both a glass of champagne to toast our anniversary and I admit at that point the thought of a proposal prospect did cross my mind and sneaked a quick look in my glass to check for a ring but dismissed the idea when there wasn't one present and didn't think much more of it...until Stuart started talking emotionally about our relationship and how he felt...then he reached into his pocket...got down on bended knee...and proposed!

In the background I could see that Patrick and his girlfriend had clocked what was happening along with other surrounding diners and it took all my strength to focus solely on Stuart and not run in a panic out of the restaurant. Not because I didn't want to say yes but because I hate being centre of attention in this way. I found out later that this too was Stuart's worse fear, not that I'd say no but that I'd run for the hills! But I didn't and I said yes! Then we excitedly called our respective parents on the taxi ride home.

That was on 28 July 2004.

So fast forward to May 2006, our wedding week! We had decided we wanted to get married in Cyprus and had found the perfect hotel, Grecian Sands in Ayia Napa, after attending the wedding fayre at Earl's Court, London. We had invited 30 our close friends and family to share our special day with us as well as the week leading up to the day, on Friday 26 May. There was little to do on the organisation front until we arrived in cyprus which suited us both down to the ground! It went with the hotel's recommendation for dj, the hotel's recommendation for photographer (who was photographer for Cyprus's equivalent of Hello! Magazine), booked the best spot to get married over-looking the sea, booked the barbecue, the flowers, told them to go to town on the floral table decorations -it was perfect!

We arrived on Sunday, held our hen & stag dos on the Wednesday (myself dressed as little bo peep with my little lost sheep (it's a sheep thing of mine) and Stuart dressed as an old woman). We started off our nights separately but with there only being one decent nightclub in Ayia Napa, it was inevitable that we'd eventually meet! We then had a nice meal with the parents on the Thursday and went to our separate rooms that night in preparation for our big day the next day. My sister came to stay with me for my last night as a single lady!

The morning of our wedding was a blur of activity. I went to have my hair done only to discover the flowers I'd ordered to go in my hair hadn't arrived. My hairdresser was amazing though and went running all over town while I had my make-up done, getting them made for me telling me not to worry, she'd sort it...and she did!

When I was ready, and it was time to go and meet my groom at the alter, I had my first emotional moment as my dad met me to give me away. But I got over it quickly then off I went with my two bridesmaids, my sister Natalie, and my friend Lou, following behind me. There was a heatwave happening in Cyprus so our poor guests and us had the pleasure of 38 degree heat in our wedding attire but I barely noticed!

The civil service wasn't romantic but the necessary was said and the register signed. I later found out (with evidence caught on camcorder) that my dad was sharing his appreciation of the registrar!

Following the ceremony, the guests were shown to a room (the Poseidon room) for refreshments while we had photos. Then we sat down outside for the barbecue (all I ever wanted for my wedding since I was young was a barbecue). The speeches were said, with a poem from my dad, the giving of camels from Stuart to my dad, the best man...then on with the cake cutting, dj and dancing to the early hours. At sunset Stuart and I went off to have some more photos as the sun went down over on the rocks.

Our first dance was to Robbie William's Angels with our second...it had to be...Me and Mrs Jones.

The dj was excellent and played a perfect mix of modern day dance for the young and more traditional music foe the not quite so young as well as a selection of tracks from a cd we had prepared in advance.

I was given some advice from a friend to take regular breaks to just stop, look around and take in everything that was happening to ensure I remembered my day and I am so glad I did. It was amazing and truly was the best day of my life!

Our Story – How We Met

Today, Stuart and I have been married for 6 years. Not a special anniversary though every anniversary, of course, is special for us as it is a celebration of our relationship.

I just wanted to reflect back on the day we tied the not but also over the past 6 years and firstly a how we got together. So this is Part 1 of our story, how we met.

I met Stuart through a mutual friend, Sparky, back in (as Stuart calls it) the Summer of Love in 2003. It was a gorgeous summer – the sun shone for much of it throughout June and July and we were both social little bunnies sampling the delights that London had to offer. Stuart lived in Wood Green  with a couple of friends, James & Phil, and I lived in Balham with my friend Drew, and then Claire and Jan.

The first time we met was when he was with his then girlfriend and we went to a club. To be honest, we didn’t spend much time together and because he had a girlfriend I didn’t give him much thought. We spent the night dancing in separate rooms of the club…me with my broken arm in a pink cast following a football incident (back then I played five a side football and had the position of goalie for my fearless throwing myself after the ball and menacing tiger like growl!!! he he).

We met a couple of other times after that when out and I became aware that him and his girlfriend had ‘separated’ – she had gone back home to Switzerland so they could have some space – so I may have flirted a bit! He was oblivious to my ‘charms’ so I flirted a bit more. Nope, nothing! So I gave up!

I then had work drinks and Sparky had been invited along (it was a relaxed affair and many of my work colleagues were my outside of work friends too) and Sparky invited Stuart. We bonded a bit more as he smoked the same cigarettes I used to smoke (menthol Marlborough lights) and started smoking again that night! He had a rotten cold so I told him there were 3 things that cured a cold! I’d like to point out that at this point I wasn’t flirting, I had given up on that and was just chatting to him as I would any friend. I told him the 3 cures…one I will not say, the other two were alcohol and sex! Apparently, he told me later, he thought I was then flirting! Typical me…try and you get no where, don’t try and…it all happens! We all got drunk! Very drunk! I invited Sparky and Stuart back to mine. After a bit more drinking…and smoking…Sparky retired to bed and that left Stuart and I…we did more than just drinking and smoking!!!!

I woke the next morning on my bedroom floor wearing different clothes to what I’d started in the night before!!!!

I’d said goodbye to Stuart and Sparky and, to be honest, didn’t think much of it. Thought it was just a drunken one night stand.

I was actually off work at the time because of my broken arm so used to go to an internet cafe to check emails. Stuart and I exchanged a few regarding that night, me joking that I couldn’t remember it and him saying was it that bad etc! Then it became apparent that he was interested in more than just a one night stand. I was off to a dance festival with Sparky and some other friends that weekend in Derbyshire but Stuart hadn’t got tickets.

Once we were there, we heard that Stuart and James had got tickets and were on their way! Stuart and I ‘secretly’ wondered off together to talk about stuff. I wasn’t sure on the state of his relationship with his girlfriend. She was in Switzerland and they were ‘on a break’ but was that in a ‘we intend to get back together’ break or ‘we are just stretching out the painful process of finally splitting up’. They had been on-off for a while so I wanted to be sure & didn’t want to be the cause of the break up…though suppose I should’ve thought of that a bit earlier than now! He assured me that it was definitely over this time and he had no intention of getting back together. So we snogged, went on a ride (of the theme park variety – there was no funny business at the festival!! what kind of girl do you  think I am…oh yeah, one that gets drunk and sleeps with boys in one night stands!!!). We then rejoined the group. We both remember a funny moment in the night when a random girl came over and stroked Stuart’s (then) very fit chest! Ha ha!

A couple of days later we went on our first date, on 28 July! We went to Fuel at Covent Garden. I’d been out during the day at Tate Modern with a friend and had turned up considerably late! Oops! But he had waited and we had a lovely time. I laid my cards on the table. I knew he had just come out of a long relationship so may not be up for anything serious. I, on the other hand, had had enough of seeing people for a month or two and the relationship never really going anywhere so was ready for something more serious. So I said to him, if he wanted to go and have a bit of fun first, we could perhaps pick up again in a few months if we were both still single, then that was ok with me but I wasn’t getting into another relationship unless I expected it to go somewhere. He reassured me that he wasn’t interested in doing that and he was ready for a serious relationship with me! I then wondered why I hadn’t tried that approach with the other guys I had dated…it would have solved a lot of bother and silly games!

So that was the beginning of us. Other than a week shortly after when he went to Ibiza with friends we saw each other every day. Stuart started declaring his love for me after just a month or two (which damn near sent me running) and then he moved in with myself, Claire and Jan after 2 months. By Christmas, people were running bets on us as to when Stuart would propose. We moved into our own rented house after about 6 months and then, on our year anniversary, Stuart proposed. No one won the bet!

Part 2, our wedding, coming soon!

Working with your partner

When an opportunity arose to work with Stuart, I had my reservations.

The company is in an industry that really interests me and, with my training background, suits me quite well so under any other circumstances I would have jumped at the chance and jumped right in. However, Stuart is quite senior being a Director which gives cause to some of my concerns but it is also a fairly small (to medium) sized company with 2/3rds of the company based in Bournemouth, where we both work, in a 2 roomed office location (we both work in the same office although opposite ends at least) so its not exactly like we can keep our distance.

Making friends

Firstly, I’m going to be known as ‘the bosses wife’! This means making friends with colleagues at work doesn’t happen as naturally as it would do normally at a place of work. Would people open up to me for fear of me running off to tell Stuart? Gaining people’s confidence and trust would be a slow process. Likewise, would I be able to do the same with them and ‘just be me’. I’m quite an open person normally, often to my detriment, and find myself opening my mouth and embarrassing story after embarrassing story falling out! I’m full of innuendo and sarcastic comments. But what kind of light would that put Stuart in? Opening up about me would also be opening up about him too. Would anything I could say affect his reputation and the respect people have for him? This is all probably just as well as there has been many a time when I have thought in the past “I really shouldn’t have said that” and perhaps I should sometimes keep a little bit back!!! But its also not ‘me’! Stuart even admitted before I started that he was worried about me being a bit too open about myself!

Maintaining a Professional Front

How you talk to friends and loved ones outside of work is often very different to how you would speak to them in work! You have a lot less patience for a husband/wife than you would a work colleague. When explaining something to a colleague, if they were being a bit slow to grasp something or needed more guidance/support with something, you are willing to give them that extra time, take things slowly, think of other ways to get the message across (well I know I am). With your partner you are more likely to get snappy, inpatient and frustrated and let those feelings show. Its natural – its hard to hold back because you are used to speaking your mind to them. And if Stuart was to talk to me like that, I’d find it hard not to retaliate! i don’t want work colleagues to see that side of me and to think I’d be like that with everyone.

Taking Work Home

When do you switch off? You live together and you work together then you come home and work together while you live together. It gets too much, you need boundaries. I strongly believe you need to separate the worlds!

Venting

This goes two ways – venting about Stuart at work and venting about work with Stuart.

Not only do I have to watch what I say about me but also about what I say about Stuart. I don’t have/see many people outside of my family so those days when you want to just go and have a moan about an argument you had or whatever, I would normally do in a close ally at work! I clearly can’t do that now and if we start the morning on the wrong foot I can’t brood on it, I have to get over it before I walk through the door at work because we need to put our professional face on – we can’t be seen to be having a ‘tiff’ or bringing the relationship into work! Admittedly, this isn’t a common occurrence, we don’t argue often but there are still times when I may just want to vent!

Then, if I have a bad day, something happens at work or someone says something that annoys me, I can’t come home and talk about it. Again, how does Stuart separate what I am telling him as confiding in him as my partner or as my superior or the boss of those I’m talking to him about. Again, its not something that would happen often but if I have a bad day at work I want to come home and talk it through so I can get it out of my system, deal with it and move on.

Its not only me that has to worry, its Stuart too. He has bad days too and, like me, will want to talk about it. Now, if he does that he could be breaking a confidence.

In each case, what we say about someone could affect the way the other person views them going forward.

These were my concerns before I took the job and are also the ones I still face. Working with your other half certainly isn’t easy. I love working, I love the work I’m doing, I enjoy working for the company but it still hasn’t changed my views on working with my husband and not something I would want to do long-term in an ideal world!

If it was a bigger company where we could keep our working lives quite separate or if we were even on the same level it might be different but in the current circumstances its not without its challenges!

Ultimately, although this is a step in the right direction, I’m still struggling in my ongoing battle to find and be ‘Me’!

Working Works For Me

I’m back working again! Yay! I’ve actually been there just over a month now – I started 8 March.

I have started working for Stuart’s company writing support and training material for users of their system for 2 days a week.

I struggle to fit in all the things I need to outside of work, like cleaning, and fun stuff with Callum, I have less time to meet friends etc. My course which I’m one assignment away from finishing has fallen by the weyside once more because I’ve lost my study time.

However, despite all this, I am loving it!

I am Me again. I’m enjoying the work. I can go in, pick up the work where I left off, pootle along pretty much on my own with little insecurities (just enough to make me care about my work etc but not enough to stress me out too much) and I feel like a real person again. Not to say that anyone that doesn’t work isn’t a real person – I just don’t feel like me if I am not working. My desk is at the other end of the office where a lot of the senior members sit or people that don’t really ‘talk’ so I don’t get much interaction with people during the day but actually, even that’s not too bad. I felt a bit lonely at first but I just plug in my headphones and, as already said above, pootle along.

I feel like I’m making friends…work friends admittedly, but people I can have social interactions with and can share a joke with etc.The benefit of working for the same company as Stuart is that I had already met a fair few people, taking away that uncomfortable period when you start a new job where you are the new kid and don’t know anyone.

Admittedly, there were a few weeks where I wasn’t invited to Fish & Chips on a Friday when Stuart was busy or not there but I was brave enough to ask to not to be forgotten today! I’ve invited myself onto the Fantasy Football team – purely so I’m not last in at least one league (I’m now 9th out of 12 instead of 3rd out of 3 or 16th out of 16). I butt into others conversations…oh, ok, I’ve always done that, oops! The point is, I am settling in nicely.

I was originally seated, when I first started, with part of my team so I had an opportunity to get to know some people and build some rapport (trainer speak) so, even though I now sit away from them, I can have the odd skype chat with them still and we’ve arranged to go for lunch a few times.

I’m even going out on a night out with work people and no Stuart next week. Yes, that’s right, going out without Stuart!!!! That’s the first time since October!!!! *faints*

As I said above I’m liking the work – I feel it is creative enough and perfect to pick up and put down for the 2 days I’m there. I’m not standing in front of a room training but I feel like I’m still using my training skills writing the materials doing stuff I’ve always enjoyed doing but didn’t have the time to dedicate to before because of the training commitments taking up most of my time. It sounds like there is more stuff in the pipeline, too, that I will enjoy being part of.

The worrying part is that I am contracted to work right up until the end of July – 27th to be precise. That’s 2.5 weeks before baby is due!!!! Just to remind people or inform those that are not aware, Callum was born 3.5 weeks early!!!! This could be scary! Not only that, I remember thinking around that time when pregnant with Callum – well much sooner than that obviously as Callum had already arrived at that point – but was pleased I wasn’t working and I didn’t know how people worked until so late in their pregnancies. But, I am hopeful, if I ‘am’ still pregnant, that I might still be ok as I wont be standing up training and I don’t have to commute.

I am already thinking ahead to after work too. I know it is easy for me to say now and I might feel quite different following the birth but I am hoping I will be able to go back and work there and they’ll have a job for me. I just hope I also make a good enough impression that they want me back. Its hard to say when I will want to go back right now but I know I was itching to go back when Callum was 1. I would imagine 9 months after would be enough for me. Stuart mentioned the potential to work school hours so I could work around Callum going to school – just work more but shorter days. That’s certainly something to consider.

For the first time in a long way I feel really positive, much more happy and I feel like I have a little bit of me back. For the moment, I may still be Stuart’s wife there but I am hoping, in time, I will just be Debbie!

April Showers

After my miserable winter blues, it may surprise you to hear, I’m not adverse to a bit of rain once in a while. In fact, I quite enjoy it. It has to be a proper full on downpour, mind you, none of that horrible dreary, hardly-raining-but-soaks-you-right-through-kind-of-rain, and you can’t beat an electrical storm. The best storm I’ve ever seen was when I drove down to the seafront in Barton-on-Sea, Hampshire and watched it coming in across the sea from the Isle of White. Amazing! As long as I feel ‘safe’, I think they are great. I do get a little “eek!” as they get ever closer, but when you see the forks across the dark sky, it turns to “eee” in excitement.

Then after the rain everything has been refreshed like its been cleansed. All green and lush looking again, and the smell…it reminds me of when I was younger when we went on holiday in the caravan at Easter – it always rained! Not much fun when you are about 10 and stuck in a caravan playing cards listening to the drumming of the rain on the caravan roof, but when you got up in the morning, that fresh rain smell was so lovely. Most of the time, despite the rain, the caravan memories are happy ones.That’s why I love being taken back to those times like I am whenever it rains.

There is also something quite comforting when the seasons behave themselves and the weather actually happens when you expect it to – snow in January, April showers and, with a bit of luck, sun throughout June, July, August & September! Well, I can hope!

Then there are the summer rain storms. The ones after a very hot sticky day that make you want to go and dance around naked in them…though that might just be me…..! I remember when I was a teenager feeling a bit blue for some unknown reason. but as teenagers do (hormones!), and getting caught in a torrential downpour on the 5 minute walk from my aunt’s house to ours. I enjoyed it so much I took a slow walk around the block in it and felt so alive. It really lifted my mood. I was drenched through but happy again!

So yes, I do like the odd spot of rain once in a while. Just as long as, after the rain, comes the sun again!

Our House, In the Middle of Our Street

We’re in! We’ve moved.

Sorry for the blog silence of late but it has been for two reasons:

1. because I am pregnant the Pregnancy-Mummy Diary is getting most of the attention; and
2. because we’ve been moving house and, apart from not having the time, we were also without internet for 2 weeks.

But all is well now and we are settling in nicely and making it feel like home…slowly but surely!

One thing I’d thoroughly recommend is getting removal men! Big win!

I’ve been parping on about doing so for a while. I tried to get Stuart to agree when we moved from Godalming to Bournemouth but he wouldn’t do it. I’d showed him lots of positive stories and was bringing him on side but then my parents put him off. This time, I was determined! I am pregnant and the last thing I wanted to be doing was lugging big boxes around the house etc and also, we were struggling to fit in the house as we were, we had no where to store a mountain of boxes again. Stuart finally agreed subject to me getting a good price! We were moving less than 2 miles up the road and from a small 2 bed house with no loft, garage or shed etc so I was hopeful.

I got 2 quotes – both from highly rated companies on check a trade. The first one quoted around £800 (incl of tax). I thought this was far too high and my hopes were dashed. The second company was also recommended by a colleague from Stuart’s (and my but that’s another blog post) work. They quoted less than £500 (incl tax) – bonus! We signed them up quick!

They did exactly what we wanted them to do – they packed, they moved and they got it all done in one day which was a day earlier than planned too. They were called Brown & Brown Removals if anyone local is interested.

Moving on (pardon the pun), we have also ordered our new sofas and I’m very excited. We ordered them from Next and they should be here in about 3-4 more weeks. We’ve also bought some new curtains for the lounge & dining room although they need to be taken up before they are hung, and also curtains for the spare room. We are still a long way from being where we want to be as we need lots of storage and other bits and ends but we are making steps in the right direction. Oh, how could I nearly have forgot…and our HUGE MAHOOOSIVE American style fridge that I was very excited about! I LOVE it!

Callum has adapted well to the move, as I hoped (and thought) he would. He has so much room to run around in, why wouldn’t he?

I also think we have (friendly) company. We obviously left someone behind when we moved as the doorbell went shortly after we were in and when Stuart went to open it, there was no one there. There was no sign of it being kids having fun and its not a very big street so unlikely. I’m pretty sure ‘someone’ just wanted to be let in. Also, I was ill in bed a couple of weeks after we’d moved and I heard running up the stairs and automatically thought it was next door – then remembered we are detached. Shortly after, I heard footsteps as if running on the laminate floor in the dining room – kitchen area. I don’t feel uncomfortable here though and even when I’ve been in the house on my own (with Callum asleep) I’ve not been scared so I’m not worried and I quite like the company as I am sure its friendly.

Reiki: What’s Happening Now?

If you read my other blog, My Pregnancy-Mummy Diary, then you may already be aware that I am 14 weeks pregnant with my second child. So if you have been wondering what is happening with the Reiki, then I can tell you not a lot, unfortunately.
After my attunement and halfway through my self-cleansing period, I found out I was pregnant. I remember Lorraine (Reiki Master) advising us with regards to being asked to treat pregnant ladies that, even though she had absolute belief that there was no risk to the baby, it was best to avoid it as should something unfortunately go wrong with the pregnancy, it was human nature to look for something or someone to blame. We do not want to put ourselves at risk of that blame. Because of this, I sought Lorraine’s advice as to my own situation and self-healing while pregnant. Confirming her earlier advice she suggested it was best to put the Reiki on hold and to wait until I had had the baby before picking it up again.
I was gutted. I finally felt I was following down a path I had been destined to take since I was a child and already I was having to put it back on the shelf for a bit. But, I could see the reasoning for it and Lorraine assured me that I could pick it straight back up again after and could even go straight into my Level 2.
It has been hard because during that time, my cat became sick and we had to put her to sleep (see previous posts) and I felt helpless unable to do anything that may relieve her pain and make her final couple of days more comfortable. Both my sister and mum could have benefited from some Reiki healing. But also me – I could have done with that self-healing. I’ve been finding this winter particularly hard going with the winter blues,  what with being out of work/SAHM and pregnant too – it doesn’t make for a happy combination for me and I probably could have benefited myself from Reiki.
Also, I feel the ‘side effects’  to the Reiki have also taken a back seat. I was becoming more aware and intuitive again but I feel they have faded away again. In fairness, I think the spiritual help I was getting before is still there but they are finding it harder to reach me. Instead, I think they are taking desperate measures and are hiding things from me but that could also just be my pregnancy brain setting in again.
However, on the positive side, there are things Lorraine said would change that I think had already started to. My outlook on things have already started to change. I have become a lot more relaxed about some things, preferring not to worry as what will that achieve. What will be, will be! Everything happens for a reason (which is also the approach I have taken with the Reiki – it is meant to be this way for whatever reason) and if we let things take their course naturally, it will all turn out right in the end. This has been the case for our house purchase, for my husband’s work, pregnancy even. It feels good to not get stressed over these things. I have also felt this way about work up until now but wonder if I have been too relaxed there and have had to give a little push to get things moving. Nothing has come along and landed in my lap so perhaps now its time to be more proactive!
The other thing is how I can better see other sides of the story. I’ve always known not everything is black and white and all my life I have tried to put myself in other peoples shoes to understand how they feel. I have then adjusted my behaviour accordingly. Sometimes I worry that I do this too much and that some people don’t think I am genuine and others take advantage but I’m not going to change. I would rather be the person I am than someone who never thought of others or put them first. Unfortunately, it does mean I have a high expectation of others and get frustrated when others don’t do the same but I have to remind myself, we are all different and not everyone thinks like me. I do still have selfish moments – more than I’d be happy to admit. I still make mistakes, I’m not perfect, but my heart is always in the right place and I try to do things for the right reason.
But, I’m starting to digress. Back to seeing different sides of the story. An example of how this is different now is when everyone is against a certain person or body of people and what they are doing, I can see a different point of view. Often people just see what is right in front of them or see the catalyst and think that’s the problem but they don’t see it as perhaps a symptom to a greater problem or where the person’s journey started.
These are both things that Lorraine said would happen and I do believe it is down to the Reiki.
It will be interesting to see how these behaviours will grow (if at all) and what other changes will occur during the next year. It is my intention to keep up with my Angels and to keep my mind open as much as I can while pregnant so hopefully it wont be like starting from scratch again when I can pick up the Reiki after the birth  of my child.

What’s on your MP3?

When I first see I’m tagged in one of these MeMe things, my first reaction is to groan but I sometimes play along because I do think it is a nice opportunity for the blogger to give the reader a bit more of an incite into the writer in a different way to the usual rants and moans (though that may just be me!).
However, this one does make me a little nervous! Our music taste is very personal but can also tell a lot about us! Especially when your taste is as eclectic as mine. I find it hard to pigeon hole myself into one particular genre of music when someone asks “what do you like to listen to?”. It ranges from music I grew up with like Neil Diamond, to Indie Bands, to Guitar bands, to girlie music, cheesey pop, to dancier music with a whole new variety of genres – chill out, funky, trance, hard trance, hard house, techno.

So this MeMe could be interesting and I have the lovely, and very funny (with her not at her) Aimee author of The Perfect Bad Mummy to thank for tagging me in this one.

Before I hit the shuffle (currently enjoying listening to Kings of Leon and so delaying it for a minute) – I explain what my MP3 is. Its a cerise pink 8gb iPod Nano and it is full to bursting. I have more music on my iTunes account than I can fit on my iPod (not to mention the hundreds of CDs that I’m yet to upload). My lovely husband bought it for me to upgrade my previous knackered iPod Nano for my 30th Birthday.

OK, not so keen on this song so time to hit that shuffle button. Not really sure how this is ‘supposed’ to work so I’m going to follow Aimée’s lead with how she wrote her Meme post. Aimée hit the shuffle button 5 times then explained a little bit behind why the particular song appeared on her iPod, so here I go:

Ceelo Green – Bright Lights Bigger City, from the album Lady Killer

I discovered Ceelo Green about 18 months to 2 years ago firstly when he was part of Gnarls Barclay and they bought out the fantastic Crazy which I still love and sing at the top of my voice when I hear it! Its a song I can relate to . Then I saw him, singing as Ceelo Green, on Jonathan Ross or similar show when he released Forget You (the politer of the two versions of this song!). I must say, this isn’t my favourite from the album but I do like it as it quite an uplifting song and I think the album as a whole is fab (good for cleaning to as I discovered today!!).

OK, on to shuffle number 2!

REM – E-Bow the Letter, from the album In Time: The Best of REM

OK, so I never listen to this album and do not ever remember hearing this song. I like the odd REM song but its not an album I would listen to all of in one go unless I was feeling particularly suicidal – certainly not one to listen to when near any cliffs or high bridges! Listening to this song now as if for the first time, I definitely don’t think it is one I want to listen to again – its messy (I don’t like messy music) and thoroughly depressing. *Makes note to replace on iPod with something new*

Quickly moving on…

Lorretta Holloway – Love Sensation from the album The Pacha Experience

Love this song! Reminds me of my teen years! And what’s not to love, you can’t help but bounce and groove to it. Its a feel good song! Its from a compilation album of clubby/dancy tooones. As all these clubbing albums tend to be, some good some bad. Its not an album I listen to often but when I do I wonder why I don’t listen to it more. A good one to run to! *starts singing at the top of my voice* “Cos you’re right on time, right on time….”


Adele – One & Only from the album 21

I’m so pleased an Adele song came up. I’m new to  Adele, having only discovered her about  8 months ago but I fell in love with her voice and music instantly. Such an amazingly beautiful voice and I could listen to this album and float away in a world of my own thoughts. Its one of those albums you want to find a beautiful spot in the country miles away from anyone on a hot sunny day, lie down in the grass with the smells of  summer all around you, stare at the sky with your headphones in, listening to Adele. This is my current favourite album, knocking the previous favourite Snow Patrol off the top slot. I don’t think there is a song on the album I don’t like which surprised me as there are lots of songs on there that don’t meet my usual ‘type’ and would normally put firmly under a ‘dislike’ genre but there’s just something in each of the songs that grabs me and gets me singing along! Perhaps its the emotion she portrays in each song. Captivating!

Example – Hooligans (VIP mix) from the album Wont Go Quietly

Again, another new discovery for me and another one that doesn’t fully fit my usual tastes. I’m not a fan of the whole album as some of it is a bit rappy or drum n base-y for me but to counteract those there are some songs I just love. My favourite being “Love Kick Starts Again” which was the first song I heard of Examples on the radio. I loved that song and tried to remember the name of the artist, then a while later I heard another song of his I liked. Then he was in an interview that Stuart and I both listened to and the interview endeared him more to the pair of us so I sought out his album to add to my collection. This particular song is not a favourite but its OK and I’m happy to listen to it – its not one I’d hit the >>FF button on!

OK, how many is that so far? Well that’s 5 but the next song has already come on and I’m going to include it as its probably another example of how varied my tastes can be.

Pendulum – Tarantula from the album Hold Your Colour

I love this album. Its a real go mad and dance your socks off album. I’m not very good at dancing to breaks and drum n base so I tend to just bounce around like a loon. When listening to it it transports me back in my memory to two occasions. Firstly to a trip to Alton Towers with a bunch of friends. A group of friends used to go to Staffordshire each year to stay in this fantastic bed & breakfast pub for a couple of nights drinking, dancing and karaoke with a trip to Alton Towers in the middle. This was the second time I had been and the first time for Stuart. Stuart had gone to bed early (missing my first ever solo karaoke) while we continued to drink and party downstairs (we were on very good friend terms with the owner who used to let us have a lock in and join us in our partying until the early hours). I’m not sure how much sleep Stuart managed to get in the room upstairs with the volume of music downstairs but when this album came on it was enough to persuade him from his bed and rejoin the party joining us as we jumped around the pub – not recommended if you are over 6ft like our friend Dan with the low beams above – ouch!

The second memory is of a joint 30th birthday party for a few of my friends 4 years ago almost to the day (about a month out but relatively speaking!) where I was secretly pregnant with Callum (about 9-10 weeks) and we listened to this album towards the end of the night (well for me – for many of the others the night didn’t end!). I danced full of energy, obviously sober and no one guessed a thing about me being pregnant! This actual song I hunted out recently following two dreams I had had about tarantulas and then a programme came on tv about them – I felt it was a sign telling me I needed to bounce around my living room once more! Callum wasn’t impressed! So, as you can see, this album, this song included, is all about my friends for me!

For info, the next song to be played was Amy MacDonald – Mr Rock n Roll from the Album This is the Life but that’s enough for now. On with the tagging…

@rantybeast and her blog Deskmonkeymummy’s Brain Fart
@pieandbear and her blog Pie and Bear
@cooda and her blog coodababy Bits of Stuffs

Goodbye

So, following my last post, it might not be a surprise to hear but it fills me with sadness to write…Lotté is no longer with us.

To pick up where I left you last post…

The vet had told us that she was too stressed to force the antibiotics down her so to try to give them to her with food – such as in cream cheese. That Friday night, I made a bowl up of cheddar cheese, cream cheese, chicken and cat treats with her tablets hidden among the cheese in the hope that she might eat something. She hardly glanced at it! She then hid under the bed for the rest of the afternoon. There was no chance were were going to get her to take the antibiotics.

Sometime that evening, she moved out from under our bed and into Callum’s room. Its not unknown for  her to go into Callum’s room but certainly not normal behaviour. A normal evening would be us getting into bed and her settling down on my legs for a bit while I would read my book. She would then get up to have some water then either curl up at the end of the bed by our feet or curled behind my legs otherwise she’d hop up onto the windowsill. It felt sad to not have her on our bed.

Saturday morning, when Callum woke up, I jumped up to go and see her to make sure Callum didn’t see her and start prodding her in some way. He wasn’t near her but he was making quite a racket in his room. She hardly moved. A couple of times she moved from laying to sitting while giving Callum evil looks then would gingerly lay back down again putting her head on her front paws. There was mess everywhere as she was unable to control her bodily fluids and she was sick a couple of times. I  knew she would not be in Callum’s room at that noisy point in time if she could choose not to be so this spoke to me just how poorly she was. She looked in pain, she looked disinterested in everything.

When Stuart got up, we spoke and agreed we should call the vet and started to prepare ourselves for the inevitable decision which we were going to have to make.

The vet agreed we should take her in to see if there was anything they could do for her but no one was hopeful.

To get her into the cat basket, Stuart had to remove the top half and lift her in carefully rather than through the front door. While waiting in the vets she messed herself.

This was what was breaking my heart. For anyone that knows cats, knows how particular they are at cleaning themselves. Certainly, for Lotté, she was meticulous. If you stroked her, within the minute afterwards she would be washing herself again even if she had just done it.  To now be in this undignified state, unable to control her bowel and covered in her own faeces – she couldn’t continue like this, it just wasn’t fair on her.

When we saw the vet, she agreed, she was just existing. It was time to say goodbye. Not sure Callum really understood at that point what was going on but he wouldn’t say goodbye to her but did kiss her on her head.

We had some time alone with her to say goodbye then Stuart took Callum out while I stayed with her while they administered an injection into her liver.

It was so quick. Almost instantly her eyes glazed over then about 20 seconds later the vet confirmed she had gone. Her little life was gone.

It was hard to see but I am glad I was there. Stuart was equally pleased he wasn’t there to see it and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted Callum to see her.

Being as we are in rented accommodation about to move into a house we are buying, we have no where currently to bury her so we decided it was best to get her cremated and we will then bury her ashes in the garden of our new place. I discussed our wishes with the vet, said one last goodbye to Lotté then went to find Stuart.

As you can imagine, I was in tears. I didn’t know where Stuart was so peaked in the waiting room and must have looked a right site. I felt sorry for those people in the waiting room with their pets as they must have been reminded of their pets mortality – I know I would have been. Stuart wasn’t there so I headed outside where I found them both and Stuart broke down when he saw me. There is nothing that hits you in the heart more than a man breaking down in tears except for the awareness sinking in to your 3 year old and him crying out “I want Lotté” while the tears started to fall. It was a heart-breaking scene but then we were heartbroken.

Callum kept up the crying out all the way home (which thankfully wasn’t a long journey, just up the road) and was devastated when we got home and took a lot of comforting. Its quite a difficult thing to try to have to explain to someone so young. I’m still not sure if he fully understands. He has asked a couple of times where she is and then followed up with “Lotté’s hiding”. I’ve told him she is with the stars.

15 years she was in my life. Stuart warmed to her as soon as he met her, 8.5 years ago, and he wouldn’t describe himself previously as being a cat person. She was a member of our family.

My family and friends were saddened by the news too. Lotté loved people and more selfishly loved the strokes and attention she got from everyone. As soon as any visitors arrived (children excluded) she would be there on their laps demanding a stroke and you daren’t stop before she was ready or she’d give you a tap on the hand or nose as if to say “did I say you could stop”. She was also so beautiful it was hard not to love her.

We will all miss her but she will remain in our hearts.

I’ll leave you with some of our favourite photos.

Nine lives are not enough

My little baby is poorly – no not Callum or even Stuart but the furry one, Lotté.

I’d noticed she wasn’t eating and she was having unusual toilet habits (don’t worry, I wont go into detail here). I also noticed her tummy was looking a little swollen so I took her to the vet yesterday. Sure enough, they confirmed there is fluid on her tummy.

They have taken bloods and have eliminated anything to do with her liver so they have taken more to check for feline infections and cancer and have sent off a sample of the fluid in her tummy. She has been sent home for the weekend with antibiotics and hopefully she will make it through the weekend to see what the test results come back as on Monday.

She is 17 so getting on a bit for a cat (some are lucky enough to live in to their 20s but 17 is considered old for a cat). We discovered a couple of years ago that she has an overactive thyroid and heart murmur which she is on medication for already but otherwise has been pretty healthy throughout her life. Even with her thyroid problem, the Vet commented how healthy she was looking and was almost a perfect roll model for a cat with such a problem. She responded well to medication, put on weight, she was still sprightly and well groomed. All good!

So, to now find out she is poorly, and really poorly this time is a shock and very upsetting.

Some may think it is silly to get so emotional over a cat but I question how anyone can detach themselves and not feel emotional about such a thing. Especially a pet that has been in the family for such a long time – she is a member of the family!

We got Lotté when she was just 2 (and I still lived at home with my parents). Although she started as a family cat she was always kind of more my cat. When I moved out of home when I was 17 and my parents moved to Hampshire, she came with me and was my lifeline. She stopped me going insane in those lonely days. At least I had a little ‘being’ to talk to rather than just myself and the walls. She gave me someone to care for.

This was the 3rd of many more homes she has lived in during her years and she has adapted to each one so well and without complaint. She must be one of the worlds most travelled cat.

Lotté and I lived in our little flat in Southend (house 3) for about 9 months then found a new flat back in Rayleigh (house 4) with a flatmate. Despite the lease saying no pets and my new flat being allergic, she still welcomed Lotté in with open arms and adopted her. Unfortunately, she got a little too fond of Lotté and used to kind of bribe her with treats all the time behind my back. Lotté instead used to sleep on her bead (or back) every night instead of mine. Lotté became a little maddam like a spoilt child. I had to have words in the end and my flatmate confessed that she wanted Lotté to love her like an aunt and perhaps spoilt her more than she should. Then my flatmate decide to get her own kitten. Never an easy job introducing an adult cat that is used to getting all the attention and not used to being with other animals to a new playful little kitten and it didn’t go well. It was only a small flat and Lotté found her domain shrinking by the day to avoid the kitten, whereas the kitten just wanted to play with Lotté. If Lotté smelled the kitten on you she’d attack you biting and scratching. What was worse, her new best friend (flatmate) had deserted her for a newer, younger model and had no time for Lotté anymore. It wasn’t fair on her and I wasn’t liking what the change was doing to Lotté or her behaviour so I made the difficult decision to move her to live with my Mum and Dad (house 5).

Not long after, I decided I wanted to buy my own house. I bought a little one bedroom starter home in Leigh-on-Sea (house 6) with a lovely 37ft garden. Apart from one incident where she went missing for a week in the summer when I thought I had lost her for good, she seemed happy enough there. But, I was lonely. My friends were all off in Uni or lived in or close to London. My family were in Hampshire and Dorset. I was struggling to afford an interest only mortgage. I’d split from my boyfriend of 5 years. I loved my little house but, for my sanity, I decided it was time to sell, move to London to be near my friends and to do what young people were supposed to do. I was 21 and felt about 40!

I moved into a flat in Balham with a friend and once again, the lease didn’t accept pets so back she went to live with my parents – who had also moved to a different house (house 7). Then, when my friend moved out to live with his girlfriend and two more friends (a couple) moved in, we agreed to get Lotté back to live with us (house 8). It was too built up and busy outside and we were the top floor flat so she became an indoor only cat which she wasn’t happy with and, in reflection, probably wasn’t fair on her. It was probably quite selfish to have her back with us but I had missed her.

I met Stuart while living in that flat in London and we decided we wanted a place of our own so we moved to a house in Wimbledon, and Lotté came with us (house 9). Now she had a garden (and a pub garden) to explore. Much better than just the inside of a flat. We used to go to the pub next door and sit in the garden then hear this familiar meow. She would then ignore us and, being a stroke-aholic, flirt with the other punters in the pub garden and taunt the dogs that also lived there! Unfortunately, she wasn’t entirely happy because the neighbour had 2 big dogs that used to be left outside in the garden all day and often used to escape into our garden. They tormented poor Lotté until she was scared to go outside.

We lived in that house for about 18 months and then Stuart and I decided we wanted to get on the property ladder. We loved Wimbledon but to afford a reasonably sized property and thinking ahead to the future and where we would like to raise a family we moved out to Godalming in Surrey (house 10). When we viewed the property, the vendors had a cat almost identical to Lotté but male (and missing a leg). It was lazing in the sunshine in the back garden. We love the property and we saw that as a sign. We had to have this house!

Lotté has never been happier in any home than when she was there. Her coat was always soft and glossy and no more did we have to hack out big furry knots from the back of her legs. She had her little domain and she was happy to defend it. She got to chase the odd bird, sit on windowsills and do all the stuff that cats love to do.

But, unfortunately for her, our life was to change again and once more, poor Lotté would be on the move again!

Stuart and I decided we all needed a better quality of life, especially Stuart who had had enough of commuting to London every day, plus we missed being near to family especially while raising a family. We made the decision to move to Bournemouth.

Maybe sensing her life was about to be upturned again and she was being made to leave her little spot of paradise on the day we moved she ran away. We looked everywhere for her, called her, even cooked her fish in the hope she would return but no, she was gone and didn’t want to come back. So we had to move without her. Thankfully, our friends and neighbours kept a lookout for her and let her back in our house when she showed up. So, off Stuart had to go back to Surrey the next day to pick her up.

Not being familiar with the area, despite my family living around the area, we wanted to rent for a period of time before we bought. So, we moved into the home we are currently in (house 11). Its a small 2 bed cottage on a plot of land which houses a block of flats and other cottages but we don’t have our own garden, instead there are communal gardens. Lotté has to share this green space with a couple of other cats, foxes and squirrels and, for a short period of time, had to live next door to a very large and very barky Alsatian.

Now, we have found a house to buy and will soon be moving again (house 12). Its got a lovely garden and backs on to a massive park to explore, on a quiet road. We think she will love it. But maybe all this moving around has taken its toll! The question now is will she live to see it – will she live long enough to be happy again in her surroundings. If she does, will the stress of another move at her age be too much for her.

Poor thing, she has been on quite a journey in her 17 years and covered some incredible miles for a cat! The above only mentions the long-term addresses and has excluded catteries and a short holiday at my aunts.

Please Lotté, be OK – we are so sure you will love your new home when you see it, with all its space. Please get better. We love you x