Childhood Thieves

Free Rolf Harris read the graffiti on the bridge. It almost has a comical tone to it. I can hear the perpetrator laughing as it is scribed.

I’m listened to the radio and people are texting, tweeting and emailing Jeremy Vine to say how their childhood has been ruined and complaints about how their childhood is being erased as phrases are now taboo, songs and music now not played, people not spoken about.

People’s ignorance and thoughtlessness knows no bounds.

No thought of the victims who have lost their childhoods.

No thought of the victims who have lived in fear of his name being uttered. The anguish and pain they must have gone through every time they turned over the TV to see his face or heard one of his songs.

But I can’t be angry at these people for feeling the way they do.

This is a world they can’t imagine, can’t bring themselves to accept because the world of abuse is a concept no one wants to believe is true. It’s far easier to pretend it doesn’t exist and to dismiss it as nonsense. They must be making it up.

But feeling these things and speaking them publicly for all to hear - among those listening will be a victim of abuse. I find that hard to accept. Having already had to go through the feelings of blame, dirtiness, self-loathing, and many more destructive feelings, they now have to shoulder the guilt of ‘ruining’ a nation of their childhood. Of course, it was their fault! Like they probably deserved it. Like they probably made it up.

They forget that claims of abuse and rape are two of the hardest crimes to prove…even more so, once time has passed. Any time let alone years. They forget that the jury must believe someone to be guilty ‘beyond reasonable doubt’.

Unfortunately, some people do cry ‘rape’. To me, this is almost as evil as those that do commit the heinous crime of rape. Not only does it destroy the person wrongly accused- their lives, their relationships – even if proved innocent, enough damage has been done and some will always point the finger. The doubt goes both ways. People doubt the innocent are guilty, they doubt the guilty are innocent. But it also makes it harder for the person who really has been abused or raped to speak up. They think everyone will assume they are making it up – especially with a high profiled person in the public eye, who is considered a favourite amongst families. Other people do think they are making it up.

I don’t really know why I’m sharing these thoughts with you but I just hope that if one person reads it and then thinks before they utter those ill-considered and hurtful afflictions out loud then it will have been worth it. Just imagine, no don’t imagine, believe for one moment it is true and it is your child who is the victim. Whose childhood are you really mourning for now?

Disclaimer: While I talk of others ignorance, I am very aware that I am voicing my own ignorance when it comes to the law. These words are purely my own thoughts and opinion.

Poem: matter over mind

My mind is racing
Disguised by a smile
My heart is racing
But I'm in denial.

I can't let them see
This feeling inside
This panic rising
I've got to hide

To all I look calm
But they don't know
The thoughts in my head
I won't let them show

I search for a reason
But there is none
I take a deep breath
And try to have fun

I know it is silly
I tell it to go away
That I'm fine, happy
What more can I say

Then I'm angry
So close my eyes
Then I tell myself
The worries are lies

I am not gonna let
The anxiety rule
I open my eyes
And stand up tall

I am in control
This here is my skin
I am gonna be strong
Anxiety will not win!

First Fast

Day one of the 5-2 diet and my first day of fasting. On a fast day I am restricted to 500 calories.

I have only ever fasted once when I was about 10 for charity. We were allowed only water and milk and it was from sundown to sundown in the summer. I remember eating a massive dinner the night before then enjoying a mass of barbeque meat as soon as the sun went down the following day! I also remember it wasn’t too bad but the consumption of milk helped.

The reason for this diet is partly for dieting reasons but also for the health benefits. As I mentioned in my previous post, Fast is Exciting, I’m not a fan of fad diets, preferring to exercise & eat a controlled balanced diet instead. But this diet is meant to repair your body & make you healthy (reducing the risk of such serious illnesses as some cancers) so I thought it was worth a try. But, I do hope to lose weight too so here are my vitals:

Height: 5;6” (obviously I’m not expecting this to change, I have just added it for reference)
Weight: 12st 12.2lb
Body fat: 16.6%
BMI: 24.4
Chest: 35”; Waist: 37”; Hips: 42”; and Thigh: 23”

Its now 10am and not going too bad. The main cause for my snacking during the day is due to boredom so the plan is to try to keep busy.

I know from experience that I can go a lot longer without food if I don’t have breakfast, I plan to have a poached egg on a slice of toast without butter for lunch then Stuart and I will have mixed vegetables in a curry sauce for dinner.

I did start to get hungry around 8.30am so I had a cup of tea (with SS milk) which was very welcomed for the caffeine after a bad night’s sleep.

In addition, I intend to guzzle water!

I’ll report back again at the end of the day.

****************************************

So, its now 8.30pm. I’ve just had a massive portion of cauliflower & courgette in a jar of tikka masala source for 300 calories. It should’ve filled me up but I actually feel hungrier after eating it.

The rest of the day hasn’t been too bad. The hardest points were at 8.30am and then after lunchtime, about 2pm, after having some stress over a hire car. I am an emotional/comfort eater – as well as eating when bored. Eating makes me feel happy so I turn to it in times of stress.

I also had to remember not to ‘taste’ Callum’s dinner – I was making him cheesey pasta with home made cheese sauce, and you know there’s always a knob of cheese left at the end of grating? I had to sacrifice the whole chunk of cheese to Callum *sob*.

We were warned the hunger comes in waves, and I think that’s fair to say. Overall, it really wasn’t that bad and I think it is sometimes good to feel hunger as it makes you appreciate your next meal a little bit more. There are also many people in the world (the UK included) where what I’ve eaten today would be a feast. Its humbling to remember that!

Tomorrow is a normal day – I can go back to eating whatever I want. I plan to exercise tomorrow too (not recommended on the Fast days).

Must be dreaming - an insight into my subconscious

I have been having some peculiar dreams of late which I know is common in pregnancy. Although I may regret letting you in on my mind, I'm fascinated in the psychology behind dreams so I wanted to document them somewhere.

As you'd expect, some are clearly related to anxieties that come with being pregnant & having a baby. Such as when both me and a friend both went into labour and had our babies at the same time. I had a boy. I was happily playing with my baby boy when it suddenly dawned on me that I was meant to have a girl. I wondered if the babies had been accidentally swapped so I asked my friend whether she was expecting a girl or boy and she confirmed a girl, which is what she had. So I spoke to the midwife and said I had a boy but was expecting a girl, was that right? She just yes as if it was totally normal so I just thought oh we'll and went back to playing with my baby boy. This is clearly related to my anxieties of having a boy when I am expecting and hoping for a girl. What I liked about the dream is how I just accepted things after double checking it was correct & I think this is an indication of how I'd be if this baby turns out to be a boy rather than girl.

Another baby related dream was me going into labour now (well last week but basically present time). Obviously, this was very early so I was in hospital and they were going to try this new thing of returning my baby back into my womb where we would hope it stayed until due date. Giving birth was painful but putting her back inside was even worse.

Another anxiety dream about this baby being early.

But then there have been dreams not involving me having a baby or being pregnant.

Last week I dreamt I had been asked to play the violin for a concert for the queen. In the dream I had just started learning to play again having not picked up the violin (same one) since I had lessons for a term when I was about 9. I think I had only had 1 lesson if that but I was showing the violin to friends playing in the concert too. Then the time came where we all had to stand on stage in a line and take it in turns to perform while the queen moved along the line, off stage. When it came to me I realised I could only play twinkle twinkle little star and that the violin hadn't been tuned since I was a child and the bow needed restringing with old broken strings all over the place. All this sunk in and I realised it would be the most embarrassing thing to attempt to play anything so I just stood there frozen. There was an embarrassing wait while everyone stood there waiting for me to play then after a long silence they moved along to the next in line. I can't remember much after except everyone was very supportive and understanding and I didn't feel too bad about the incident. I remember feeling that I hadn't prepared for such a big event when I know preparation is the most important thing in any big event. However, despite not being prepared, I had people there to support me.

Not a baby/pregnancy dream but I do think this relates to me not feeling prepared for the baby arriving but knowing I'll have people around me to help & support me.


The night before last I dreamt my mum & dad had a party in their house (not a house I recognise but had elements similar to my friends new house). About a week later they found a decomposing body under their sofa of someone who must have died at the party. The body looked slightly mummified. In addition, my mum had had a baby boy (I seem to remember he was called Arnold or Archie or something) but sadly the boy had died. He was meant to be newborn but was actually size of about an 18 month old. My dad had asked me to help him dispose of the bodies without reporting them to the police. I can't remember their justification now. I was scared of helping them but they were my parents and I didn't want them getting into trouble so agreed. They lived in quite a remote place with just one neighbour and there was a wood at the end of their garden. We were basically just going to throw the body in the undergrowth behind their garden and hope that a walker didn't spot it. The baby wasn't really a dominant thing in the dream, the focus was on the random dead guy.

Last night's dream wasn't scary or gruesome like the above.

First I had been asked to decorate someone's house but I'd paint the first coat of the room then they'd change their mind and want it done a different colour. Then I was decorating a house with Stuart. We lived there - many of the features were similar to a house where my best friend at school grew up although the kitchen was different and smaller. I would paint the lounge or kitchen a colour I liked then Stuart would say he didn't like it so I had to do it again. The first colour was a dark red, sort of a red wine colour. Then it was a dark green but he then made me paint over it with beige.

I thought this last dream was a fairly easy one to analyse. I know that the people in our dream are often representations of ourselves and aspects of our character. Houses and the rooms in the house again a representation of our self, our emotions, personality, body etc. However, looking into this, it just left me confused. I wasn't sure if the people did represent myself or other people. The painting represented trying to change aspects of myself or emotions. The kitchen is emotions or aspects of the heart. The colours of the paint represented:

• Red = passion, love, anger
• Green = jealousy, envy, nature
• Beige = as you can imagine, neutral, bland, dull, plain

To me it's like I'm starting with so much energy & enthusiasm but then with each coat of paint I'm being 'dummed' down. What's not clear to me is whether I'm doing this to myself or others are doing this to me. Also whether it is a good or bad thing. Instinct tells me negative. Also, what is interesting, during trying to analyse it I found myself becoming upset and crying and unable to look too deeply into it. Is this just pregnancy hormones or part of the reason for the dream not the cause. I would particularly love to hear anyone else's views on this. I think it would help to talk to someone else who was as equally as interested in dreams as me but perhaps knows a bit more than I do. So, anyone got a psychic link to Freud or Jung please?

Our Story – How We Met

Today, Stuart and I have been married for 6 years. Not a special anniversary though every anniversary, of course, is special for us as it is a celebration of our relationship.

I just wanted to reflect back on the day we tied the not but also over the past 6 years and firstly a how we got together. So this is Part 1 of our story, how we met.

I met Stuart through a mutual friend, Sparky, back in (as Stuart calls it) the Summer of Love in 2003. It was a gorgeous summer – the sun shone for much of it throughout June and July and we were both social little bunnies sampling the delights that London had to offer. Stuart lived in Wood Green  with a couple of friends, James & Phil, and I lived in Balham with my friend Drew, and then Claire and Jan.

The first time we met was when he was with his then girlfriend and we went to a club. To be honest, we didn’t spend much time together and because he had a girlfriend I didn’t give him much thought. We spent the night dancing in separate rooms of the club…me with my broken arm in a pink cast following a football incident (back then I played five a side football and had the position of goalie for my fearless throwing myself after the ball and menacing tiger like growl!!! he he).

We met a couple of other times after that when out and I became aware that him and his girlfriend had ‘separated’ – she had gone back home to Switzerland so they could have some space – so I may have flirted a bit! He was oblivious to my ‘charms’ so I flirted a bit more. Nope, nothing! So I gave up!

I then had work drinks and Sparky had been invited along (it was a relaxed affair and many of my work colleagues were my outside of work friends too) and Sparky invited Stuart. We bonded a bit more as he smoked the same cigarettes I used to smoke (menthol Marlborough lights) and started smoking again that night! He had a rotten cold so I told him there were 3 things that cured a cold! I’d like to point out that at this point I wasn’t flirting, I had given up on that and was just chatting to him as I would any friend. I told him the 3 cures…one I will not say, the other two were alcohol and sex! Apparently, he told me later, he thought I was then flirting! Typical me…try and you get no where, don’t try and…it all happens! We all got drunk! Very drunk! I invited Sparky and Stuart back to mine. After a bit more drinking…and smoking…Sparky retired to bed and that left Stuart and I…we did more than just drinking and smoking!!!!

I woke the next morning on my bedroom floor wearing different clothes to what I’d started in the night before!!!!

I’d said goodbye to Stuart and Sparky and, to be honest, didn’t think much of it. Thought it was just a drunken one night stand.

I was actually off work at the time because of my broken arm so used to go to an internet cafe to check emails. Stuart and I exchanged a few regarding that night, me joking that I couldn’t remember it and him saying was it that bad etc! Then it became apparent that he was interested in more than just a one night stand. I was off to a dance festival with Sparky and some other friends that weekend in Derbyshire but Stuart hadn’t got tickets.

Once we were there, we heard that Stuart and James had got tickets and were on their way! Stuart and I ‘secretly’ wondered off together to talk about stuff. I wasn’t sure on the state of his relationship with his girlfriend. She was in Switzerland and they were ‘on a break’ but was that in a ‘we intend to get back together’ break or ‘we are just stretching out the painful process of finally splitting up’. They had been on-off for a while so I wanted to be sure & didn’t want to be the cause of the break up…though suppose I should’ve thought of that a bit earlier than now! He assured me that it was definitely over this time and he had no intention of getting back together. So we snogged, went on a ride (of the theme park variety – there was no funny business at the festival!! what kind of girl do you  think I am…oh yeah, one that gets drunk and sleeps with boys in one night stands!!!). We then rejoined the group. We both remember a funny moment in the night when a random girl came over and stroked Stuart’s (then) very fit chest! Ha ha!

A couple of days later we went on our first date, on 28 July! We went to Fuel at Covent Garden. I’d been out during the day at Tate Modern with a friend and had turned up considerably late! Oops! But he had waited and we had a lovely time. I laid my cards on the table. I knew he had just come out of a long relationship so may not be up for anything serious. I, on the other hand, had had enough of seeing people for a month or two and the relationship never really going anywhere so was ready for something more serious. So I said to him, if he wanted to go and have a bit of fun first, we could perhaps pick up again in a few months if we were both still single, then that was ok with me but I wasn’t getting into another relationship unless I expected it to go somewhere. He reassured me that he wasn’t interested in doing that and he was ready for a serious relationship with me! I then wondered why I hadn’t tried that approach with the other guys I had dated…it would have solved a lot of bother and silly games!

So that was the beginning of us. Other than a week shortly after when he went to Ibiza with friends we saw each other every day. Stuart started declaring his love for me after just a month or two (which damn near sent me running) and then he moved in with myself, Claire and Jan after 2 months. By Christmas, people were running bets on us as to when Stuart would propose. We moved into our own rented house after about 6 months and then, on our year anniversary, Stuart proposed. No one won the bet!

Part 2, our wedding, coming soon!

Working Works For Me

I’m back working again! Yay! I’ve actually been there just over a month now – I started 8 March.

I have started working for Stuart’s company writing support and training material for users of their system for 2 days a week.

I struggle to fit in all the things I need to outside of work, like cleaning, and fun stuff with Callum, I have less time to meet friends etc. My course which I’m one assignment away from finishing has fallen by the weyside once more because I’ve lost my study time.

However, despite all this, I am loving it!

I am Me again. I’m enjoying the work. I can go in, pick up the work where I left off, pootle along pretty much on my own with little insecurities (just enough to make me care about my work etc but not enough to stress me out too much) and I feel like a real person again. Not to say that anyone that doesn’t work isn’t a real person – I just don’t feel like me if I am not working. My desk is at the other end of the office where a lot of the senior members sit or people that don’t really ‘talk’ so I don’t get much interaction with people during the day but actually, even that’s not too bad. I felt a bit lonely at first but I just plug in my headphones and, as already said above, pootle along.

I feel like I’m making friends…work friends admittedly, but people I can have social interactions with and can share a joke with etc.The benefit of working for the same company as Stuart is that I had already met a fair few people, taking away that uncomfortable period when you start a new job where you are the new kid and don’t know anyone.

Admittedly, there were a few weeks where I wasn’t invited to Fish & Chips on a Friday when Stuart was busy or not there but I was brave enough to ask to not to be forgotten today! I’ve invited myself onto the Fantasy Football team – purely so I’m not last in at least one league (I’m now 9th out of 12 instead of 3rd out of 3 or 16th out of 16). I butt into others conversations…oh, ok, I’ve always done that, oops! The point is, I am settling in nicely.

I was originally seated, when I first started, with part of my team so I had an opportunity to get to know some people and build some rapport (trainer speak) so, even though I now sit away from them, I can have the odd skype chat with them still and we’ve arranged to go for lunch a few times.

I’m even going out on a night out with work people and no Stuart next week. Yes, that’s right, going out without Stuart!!!! That’s the first time since October!!!! *faints*

As I said above I’m liking the work – I feel it is creative enough and perfect to pick up and put down for the 2 days I’m there. I’m not standing in front of a room training but I feel like I’m still using my training skills writing the materials doing stuff I’ve always enjoyed doing but didn’t have the time to dedicate to before because of the training commitments taking up most of my time. It sounds like there is more stuff in the pipeline, too, that I will enjoy being part of.

The worrying part is that I am contracted to work right up until the end of July – 27th to be precise. That’s 2.5 weeks before baby is due!!!! Just to remind people or inform those that are not aware, Callum was born 3.5 weeks early!!!! This could be scary! Not only that, I remember thinking around that time when pregnant with Callum – well much sooner than that obviously as Callum had already arrived at that point – but was pleased I wasn’t working and I didn’t know how people worked until so late in their pregnancies. But, I am hopeful, if I ‘am’ still pregnant, that I might still be ok as I wont be standing up training and I don’t have to commute.

I am already thinking ahead to after work too. I know it is easy for me to say now and I might feel quite different following the birth but I am hoping I will be able to go back and work there and they’ll have a job for me. I just hope I also make a good enough impression that they want me back. Its hard to say when I will want to go back right now but I know I was itching to go back when Callum was 1. I would imagine 9 months after would be enough for me. Stuart mentioned the potential to work school hours so I could work around Callum going to school – just work more but shorter days. That’s certainly something to consider.

For the first time in a long way I feel really positive, much more happy and I feel like I have a little bit of me back. For the moment, I may still be Stuart’s wife there but I am hoping, in time, I will just be Debbie!