2012 Reflection and 2013 Projection

As is common at this time of year, I have been reflecting on the year just gone and thinking about what I want to achieve in the year ahead.

So, firstly, looking back. Its been a busy year!

It started on rather a low note as we had to say goodbye to our beloved cat Lottie who had been part of my life for 15 treasured years. Aside from the place in each of our hearts where she’ll always be, I am reminded every time I take to Callum to nursery or pick him up as the vets is right next door. It breaks my heart when on occasion Callum has looked over and asked where Lottie is.

Then life took a much brighter path as we bought and moved into our lovely house in March and then there was that small thing of having a baby girl in August!!!

Stuart has been through yet another hard & gruelling year at work – I swear every year he says it’ll be better the next year and then the next year is harder still. Its was hard for us as a family with work taking over precious family time more and more until it was with no surprise (but made no easier nonetheless) that Stuart fell ill when he went on to paternity leave and was forced (during long days spent unable to get out of bed) to consider his priorities. That was a turning point for him with how he balanced work time and family time. Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t mean his work has got any easier and probably harder as he has had to try to squish much more into a shorter period as he had made the decision to make working from home the exception rather than the rule. But it has made a big difference to our evenings and weekends so I thank him for that sacrifice – and for a work-a-holic, I appreciate that it is in a way a sacrifice.

We had hoped that by now, following our relocation from Surrey to Bournemouth, to have grown our local social life a little more than we have. We knew that meeting people and making connections was going to be a slow process in a new place but its probably taken longer than either of us expected. Again, probably harder for Stuart as I have at least made many mummy friends especially through my addiction moderate use of Twitter but for Stuart, his only interaction with the outside (of our family) world so far has been at work. This is starting to change now though and I am hopeful we will both start socialising and meeting more people in 2013 [makes Puss in Boots eyes at you all].

The new addition to the family has been another life changing moment on a par to when Callum entered our lives. In some ways the transition from a family of 3 to family of 4 has been less of a shock to the system as from 2 to 3 but it brings with it different challenges and the hormonal breakdowns and sleep deprivation feels much tougher 4 years on from the first time. But when I think how blessed I am with my gorgeous son and beautiful girl, I both beam and shed a tear with happiness . I couldn’t ask for anything more wonderful than the family I have – and knowing that I hopefully wont have to be pregnant ever again just adds even more sparkle to it all (I’m not a very good pregnant lady – Stuart will testify!).

So it will be fair to say 2012 has been an emotional rollercoaster.

Which brings me on to my hopes for 2013.

Quite frankly, above all I hope for a much more chilled year! I wont be making any resolutions as such but there are things I would hope to achieve in the next year.

• OK, I best make it my first point as I’ve already mentioned it above– to start socialising more as a couple. Making the relationships we have already made stronger but meeting more people that we hope will become good friends of the future.
• In addition to the above, I would also like to see more of our current very good friends who are now spread over the UK as our paths have taken us on our different journeys.
• To go to Thailand. It is my current dream holiday. I spent a very brief couple of nights there with work back in 2007 and I’ve been desperate to go back there for leisure and to take Callum with me. Because it is only worth going there for a 2 week period, we would need to take the kids. For both cost and comfort reasons, if we don’t go this year, it would mean waiting several more years longer for either both kids to be old enough to stay with relatives, or we came into a healthy sum of money [checks the lottery numbers!] plus I consider Callum only now being able to cope with a long-haul flight without sending us crazy as the other passengers made plots to throw us out the plane without a parachute between us! I imagine it will be another 3-4 years minimum before Millie is at that stage too.
• I would like to find a good job which I love but allows me to balance my role as a mother. I very much see my job as a career and I feel sad to think I may not be able to embrace it in the same way I could before children. I worry about how I will manage the juggle of school/nursery runs, childcare and work. I wont lie, I have struggled with the sacrifice that my career will always be second to Stuarts as when we took the decision to have a family, my primary role became that of a mother. When I worked full time after having Callum – the balance worked out fine as Callum was in nursery but this year he starts school so I have the confusing arrangement of schools, breakfast clubs, after-school clubs, nursery, child-minder or whatever we decide best suits our lives. Others manage it, so I am sure we will too but I do see it as being one of my biggest challenges of 2013. Firstly finding a job I love and that works for me and secondly sorting out the childcare.
• Finally, as I’ve just mentioned, Callum starts school this year. I hope that he settles well in his new school and our little boy continues to grow in confidence as well as academically and enjoys himself along the way.

So, there you have it!

I’d like to say thank you to all of you who have followed my blogs and my journey through the 2012 and I invite you to stick with me through 2013 (here and here) as I value your support. I wish you all a very happy New Year and I hope you achieve all you desire for the year ahead, whatever that may be - and please feel free to share with me as I’d love to hear your hopes and dreams for 2013 too.

Our Story – How We Met

Today, Stuart and I have been married for 6 years. Not a special anniversary though every anniversary, of course, is special for us as it is a celebration of our relationship.

I just wanted to reflect back on the day we tied the not but also over the past 6 years and firstly a how we got together. So this is Part 1 of our story, how we met.

I met Stuart through a mutual friend, Sparky, back in (as Stuart calls it) the Summer of Love in 2003. It was a gorgeous summer – the sun shone for much of it throughout June and July and we were both social little bunnies sampling the delights that London had to offer. Stuart lived in Wood Green  with a couple of friends, James & Phil, and I lived in Balham with my friend Drew, and then Claire and Jan.

The first time we met was when he was with his then girlfriend and we went to a club. To be honest, we didn’t spend much time together and because he had a girlfriend I didn’t give him much thought. We spent the night dancing in separate rooms of the club…me with my broken arm in a pink cast following a football incident (back then I played five a side football and had the position of goalie for my fearless throwing myself after the ball and menacing tiger like growl!!! he he).

We met a couple of other times after that when out and I became aware that him and his girlfriend had ‘separated’ – she had gone back home to Switzerland so they could have some space – so I may have flirted a bit! He was oblivious to my ‘charms’ so I flirted a bit more. Nope, nothing! So I gave up!

I then had work drinks and Sparky had been invited along (it was a relaxed affair and many of my work colleagues were my outside of work friends too) and Sparky invited Stuart. We bonded a bit more as he smoked the same cigarettes I used to smoke (menthol Marlborough lights) and started smoking again that night! He had a rotten cold so I told him there were 3 things that cured a cold! I’d like to point out that at this point I wasn’t flirting, I had given up on that and was just chatting to him as I would any friend. I told him the 3 cures…one I will not say, the other two were alcohol and sex! Apparently, he told me later, he thought I was then flirting! Typical me…try and you get no where, don’t try and…it all happens! We all got drunk! Very drunk! I invited Sparky and Stuart back to mine. After a bit more drinking…and smoking…Sparky retired to bed and that left Stuart and I…we did more than just drinking and smoking!!!!

I woke the next morning on my bedroom floor wearing different clothes to what I’d started in the night before!!!!

I’d said goodbye to Stuart and Sparky and, to be honest, didn’t think much of it. Thought it was just a drunken one night stand.

I was actually off work at the time because of my broken arm so used to go to an internet cafe to check emails. Stuart and I exchanged a few regarding that night, me joking that I couldn’t remember it and him saying was it that bad etc! Then it became apparent that he was interested in more than just a one night stand. I was off to a dance festival with Sparky and some other friends that weekend in Derbyshire but Stuart hadn’t got tickets.

Once we were there, we heard that Stuart and James had got tickets and were on their way! Stuart and I ‘secretly’ wondered off together to talk about stuff. I wasn’t sure on the state of his relationship with his girlfriend. She was in Switzerland and they were ‘on a break’ but was that in a ‘we intend to get back together’ break or ‘we are just stretching out the painful process of finally splitting up’. They had been on-off for a while so I wanted to be sure & didn’t want to be the cause of the break up…though suppose I should’ve thought of that a bit earlier than now! He assured me that it was definitely over this time and he had no intention of getting back together. So we snogged, went on a ride (of the theme park variety – there was no funny business at the festival!! what kind of girl do you  think I am…oh yeah, one that gets drunk and sleeps with boys in one night stands!!!). We then rejoined the group. We both remember a funny moment in the night when a random girl came over and stroked Stuart’s (then) very fit chest! Ha ha!

A couple of days later we went on our first date, on 28 July! We went to Fuel at Covent Garden. I’d been out during the day at Tate Modern with a friend and had turned up considerably late! Oops! But he had waited and we had a lovely time. I laid my cards on the table. I knew he had just come out of a long relationship so may not be up for anything serious. I, on the other hand, had had enough of seeing people for a month or two and the relationship never really going anywhere so was ready for something more serious. So I said to him, if he wanted to go and have a bit of fun first, we could perhaps pick up again in a few months if we were both still single, then that was ok with me but I wasn’t getting into another relationship unless I expected it to go somewhere. He reassured me that he wasn’t interested in doing that and he was ready for a serious relationship with me! I then wondered why I hadn’t tried that approach with the other guys I had dated…it would have solved a lot of bother and silly games!

So that was the beginning of us. Other than a week shortly after when he went to Ibiza with friends we saw each other every day. Stuart started declaring his love for me after just a month or two (which damn near sent me running) and then he moved in with myself, Claire and Jan after 2 months. By Christmas, people were running bets on us as to when Stuart would propose. We moved into our own rented house after about 6 months and then, on our year anniversary, Stuart proposed. No one won the bet!

Part 2, our wedding, coming soon!

Working with your partner

When an opportunity arose to work with Stuart, I had my reservations.

The company is in an industry that really interests me and, with my training background, suits me quite well so under any other circumstances I would have jumped at the chance and jumped right in. However, Stuart is quite senior being a Director which gives cause to some of my concerns but it is also a fairly small (to medium) sized company with 2/3rds of the company based in Bournemouth, where we both work, in a 2 roomed office location (we both work in the same office although opposite ends at least) so its not exactly like we can keep our distance.

Making friends

Firstly, I’m going to be known as ‘the bosses wife’! This means making friends with colleagues at work doesn’t happen as naturally as it would do normally at a place of work. Would people open up to me for fear of me running off to tell Stuart? Gaining people’s confidence and trust would be a slow process. Likewise, would I be able to do the same with them and ‘just be me’. I’m quite an open person normally, often to my detriment, and find myself opening my mouth and embarrassing story after embarrassing story falling out! I’m full of innuendo and sarcastic comments. But what kind of light would that put Stuart in? Opening up about me would also be opening up about him too. Would anything I could say affect his reputation and the respect people have for him? This is all probably just as well as there has been many a time when I have thought in the past “I really shouldn’t have said that” and perhaps I should sometimes keep a little bit back!!! But its also not ‘me’! Stuart even admitted before I started that he was worried about me being a bit too open about myself!

Maintaining a Professional Front

How you talk to friends and loved ones outside of work is often very different to how you would speak to them in work! You have a lot less patience for a husband/wife than you would a work colleague. When explaining something to a colleague, if they were being a bit slow to grasp something or needed more guidance/support with something, you are willing to give them that extra time, take things slowly, think of other ways to get the message across (well I know I am). With your partner you are more likely to get snappy, inpatient and frustrated and let those feelings show. Its natural – its hard to hold back because you are used to speaking your mind to them. And if Stuart was to talk to me like that, I’d find it hard not to retaliate! i don’t want work colleagues to see that side of me and to think I’d be like that with everyone.

Taking Work Home

When do you switch off? You live together and you work together then you come home and work together while you live together. It gets too much, you need boundaries. I strongly believe you need to separate the worlds!

Venting

This goes two ways – venting about Stuart at work and venting about work with Stuart.

Not only do I have to watch what I say about me but also about what I say about Stuart. I don’t have/see many people outside of my family so those days when you want to just go and have a moan about an argument you had or whatever, I would normally do in a close ally at work! I clearly can’t do that now and if we start the morning on the wrong foot I can’t brood on it, I have to get over it before I walk through the door at work because we need to put our professional face on – we can’t be seen to be having a ‘tiff’ or bringing the relationship into work! Admittedly, this isn’t a common occurrence, we don’t argue often but there are still times when I may just want to vent!

Then, if I have a bad day, something happens at work or someone says something that annoys me, I can’t come home and talk about it. Again, how does Stuart separate what I am telling him as confiding in him as my partner or as my superior or the boss of those I’m talking to him about. Again, its not something that would happen often but if I have a bad day at work I want to come home and talk it through so I can get it out of my system, deal with it and move on.

Its not only me that has to worry, its Stuart too. He has bad days too and, like me, will want to talk about it. Now, if he does that he could be breaking a confidence.

In each case, what we say about someone could affect the way the other person views them going forward.

These were my concerns before I took the job and are also the ones I still face. Working with your other half certainly isn’t easy. I love working, I love the work I’m doing, I enjoy working for the company but it still hasn’t changed my views on working with my husband and not something I would want to do long-term in an ideal world!

If it was a bigger company where we could keep our working lives quite separate or if we were even on the same level it might be different but in the current circumstances its not without its challenges!

Ultimately, although this is a step in the right direction, I’m still struggling in my ongoing battle to find and be ‘Me’!